Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize