I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
