So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
