i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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