dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
