Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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