herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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