Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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