It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Girls should come with a carfax report
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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