accomplished twins. life is a go
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
