I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
