Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
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