I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
