I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
