I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My cat gives me a boner
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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