My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
