your thong is hanging out like whoa
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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