you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
