"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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