i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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