dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
