sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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