she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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