he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize