Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
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