Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
