You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
