After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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