Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
