I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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