I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
