I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
