You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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