My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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