So drunk, too bad you don't want this
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
