I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
