When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
