I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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