why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
