Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
