I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
