im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
