guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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