i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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