so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
