Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
