I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
and you fell through a lawn chair
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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