let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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