You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
