PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You took a bar mat shot.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Randomize
