Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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