So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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