i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
