I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize