He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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