I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
