I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
