Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Oh god it's open bar.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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