She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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