I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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