i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
