These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
