so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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