also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
