I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
