i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
